I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
