is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize