My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
