Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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