the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
