my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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