She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
