she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
