You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
