Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
In America we eat man semen.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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