If i come over, it means nothing
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
