just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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