Only a mothe r could love this liver
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
