there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
