Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
