I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize