I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
