dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
