I just pynch a tree in the face
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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