dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
