why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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