The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
