I just pynch a tree in the face
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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