She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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