Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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