her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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