He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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