I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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