It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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