i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
