WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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