Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
