I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
