he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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