I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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