i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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