i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
