And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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