I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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