Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
