Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
