I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
