Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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