John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
