none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I fill condoms, not promises.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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