every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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