I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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