Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
