4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
