I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
