....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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