it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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