this beer tastes like vomit already
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
