i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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