My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
