Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
