my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
